Thank you for sharing all of this!! I could resonate with some of it even though I don't work outside of the home. But it hit me the other day how much planning and scheduling I do and I read somewhere a few months ago that when your child is a baby, yes there is something special that a mom can do that a dad cannot do such as breastfeeding or even comforting the baby in a way that the dad cannot. But when they become older, there is nothing special about the way a mom can schedule a doctor's appointment, from the way a dad can. They both can do that job the same way, and both are capable.
Amen, Laura! The more I think about it, the more I realize this is about releasing women into their true vocation in the world, whether that's outside the home or within it, giving them time and space to discover roles that have deep, nourishing value. I think you are absolutely right: there are offerings that only a mother can give but that list get shorter as our children grow. And I don't think keeping the house clean should be a roadblock to us finding those new and satisfying roles. Thanks for sharing, friend--so much to think about!
I have walked a very similar path as yours, Maile, in terms of being raised with “traditional” roles regarding division of labor and then perpetuating those expectations even if inadvertently. But, this expected division of labor has NEVER sat well with me either. Your opening scene is one of my own memories as well. While in theory, my husband and I both want a more equitable distribution of domestic responsibilities, in reality we have found it to carry quite a huge learning curve. My husband simply doesn’t know how to do many of the tasks I do and have done or that his mother before me did. And he is a slow learner for a variety of reasons—pervasive anxiety being paramount. It’s a similar situation with my kids, though there is a complex history involved with our story in regards to household chores that I couldn’t even begin to try to explain here that keeps my kids from being fuller participants in managing household responsibilities. And, as prideful as this might sound, I've had to conclude that at the end of the day I am the one of the five of us here who appears to have the most capacity and skills to pull it off. That is waning as the years tick on and I take on more responsibility outside the home. And slowly, slowly, my gang is learning but phew, it’s a game of patience for me for sure.
Briana, yes, it is a game of patience for sure. Even without your own added challenges, I'm seeing that there is a lot of new learning our whole family has to undertake as we're making this shift. And it doesn't happen overnight. Good Lord, how I wish it did, but it simply doesn't. Thanks for sharing your story, Briana, and may you receive generous helpings of patience as you walk your own path. Hugs, friend!
Sometimes it seems difficult to bridge the generational attitudes and “traditions”, but it’s much healthier to think of “the house” as a family responsibility! Thanks for sharing and the reminder!
I really wasn't prepared for all the help I would lose when my kids grew up and moved away! We homeschooled and there was always a chore chart for the rotating division of labor, but things changed rapidly with our middle three being so close in age. And I can't imagine the load of having 6 kids in school and still trying to manage the home.
I always felt guilt about being able to have a slow morning in soft pants, or to nap if I really needed it, while my husband was out working a very physical job. But those benefits helped during the times I felt a little bitterness that he could go sit in his chair after dinner ; ) My energies had to be paced and spread throughout the day.
Every situation is different and every season requires an adjustment--that's what we miss, I think. We think things will always be the same, the responsibilities the same. Everything always changes.
I totally feel this. I’ve always stayed home with our homeschooled children, and started working a few years ago both with my husband helping run his excavating/septic company and with my best friend in real estate. I was raised that the home is the wife’s primary responsibility, even though the husband “should help out”. Every day I feel like I’m drowning in trying to take care of everything, and even when my husband does household chores (which is often because he’s honestly great), I feel like a failure bc he had to do it since I didn’t get to it. Still working on trying to navigate how to manage it all and release the guilt and feelings of failure.
I love you, my friend. And I see you and the way you see others. People are drawn to you and your heart. Maybe that’s the actual work to get to: being yourself in the space in front of you. ❤️
I love this so much Maile! I grew up the same way you did and, as such, John & I took these gender roles into our marriage. And like you, it worked until we had kids and I went back to work. Bravo to the Smucker family for pulling & working together! ❤️
Over time, we developed a "teamwork" approach to housework in our home - "If everybody does a little no one has to do a lot" is our motto. And it has worked great for us - because even though I still carry a great deal of the *mental load* of our household, at least I haven't had to do all the legwork too, and that has given me more freedom to pursue other interests and opportunities.
Now we are at the stage of life, though, where we are starting to launch children from the nest. 3 years from now they could all be off doing other things. And I am already starting to wonder how the housework will get done then....
Thank you for sharing all of this!! I could resonate with some of it even though I don't work outside of the home. But it hit me the other day how much planning and scheduling I do and I read somewhere a few months ago that when your child is a baby, yes there is something special that a mom can do that a dad cannot do such as breastfeeding or even comforting the baby in a way that the dad cannot. But when they become older, there is nothing special about the way a mom can schedule a doctor's appointment, from the way a dad can. They both can do that job the same way, and both are capable.
Amen, Laura! The more I think about it, the more I realize this is about releasing women into their true vocation in the world, whether that's outside the home or within it, giving them time and space to discover roles that have deep, nourishing value. I think you are absolutely right: there are offerings that only a mother can give but that list get shorter as our children grow. And I don't think keeping the house clean should be a roadblock to us finding those new and satisfying roles. Thanks for sharing, friend--so much to think about!
I have walked a very similar path as yours, Maile, in terms of being raised with “traditional” roles regarding division of labor and then perpetuating those expectations even if inadvertently. But, this expected division of labor has NEVER sat well with me either. Your opening scene is one of my own memories as well. While in theory, my husband and I both want a more equitable distribution of domestic responsibilities, in reality we have found it to carry quite a huge learning curve. My husband simply doesn’t know how to do many of the tasks I do and have done or that his mother before me did. And he is a slow learner for a variety of reasons—pervasive anxiety being paramount. It’s a similar situation with my kids, though there is a complex history involved with our story in regards to household chores that I couldn’t even begin to try to explain here that keeps my kids from being fuller participants in managing household responsibilities. And, as prideful as this might sound, I've had to conclude that at the end of the day I am the one of the five of us here who appears to have the most capacity and skills to pull it off. That is waning as the years tick on and I take on more responsibility outside the home. And slowly, slowly, my gang is learning but phew, it’s a game of patience for me for sure.
Briana, yes, it is a game of patience for sure. Even without your own added challenges, I'm seeing that there is a lot of new learning our whole family has to undertake as we're making this shift. And it doesn't happen overnight. Good Lord, how I wish it did, but it simply doesn't. Thanks for sharing your story, Briana, and may you receive generous helpings of patience as you walk your own path. Hugs, friend!
Psalm 81:6 comes to mind:
“I removed the burden from your shoulders; I removed heavy (laundry🤣)baskets from your hands."
May it be so, dearest!! All the hugs to you 😘.
I love the "Jenny Gehman's Amplified Version" of this verse!! Thank you for the encouragement, friend!
😂 😂
Sometimes it seems difficult to bridge the generational attitudes and “traditions”, but it’s much healthier to think of “the house” as a family responsibility! Thanks for sharing and the reminder!
And thanks for reading, Marcy!
Another good one, Maile. Thank you for your vulnerability. 💜
Thanks for continued encouragement, Jody. I so appreciate you.
I really wasn't prepared for all the help I would lose when my kids grew up and moved away! We homeschooled and there was always a chore chart for the rotating division of labor, but things changed rapidly with our middle three being so close in age. And I can't imagine the load of having 6 kids in school and still trying to manage the home.
I always felt guilt about being able to have a slow morning in soft pants, or to nap if I really needed it, while my husband was out working a very physical job. But those benefits helped during the times I felt a little bitterness that he could go sit in his chair after dinner ; ) My energies had to be paced and spread throughout the day.
Every situation is different and every season requires an adjustment--that's what we miss, I think. We think things will always be the same, the responsibilities the same. Everything always changes.
I totally feel this. I’ve always stayed home with our homeschooled children, and started working a few years ago both with my husband helping run his excavating/septic company and with my best friend in real estate. I was raised that the home is the wife’s primary responsibility, even though the husband “should help out”. Every day I feel like I’m drowning in trying to take care of everything, and even when my husband does household chores (which is often because he’s honestly great), I feel like a failure bc he had to do it since I didn’t get to it. Still working on trying to navigate how to manage it all and release the guilt and feelings of failure.
I love you, my friend. And I see you and the way you see others. People are drawn to you and your heart. Maybe that’s the actual work to get to: being yourself in the space in front of you. ❤️
I love this so much Maile! I grew up the same way you did and, as such, John & I took these gender roles into our marriage. And like you, it worked until we had kids and I went back to work. Bravo to the Smucker family for pulling & working together! ❤️
Oh. My. Goodness. Yes. This resonates so much!
Over time, we developed a "teamwork" approach to housework in our home - "If everybody does a little no one has to do a lot" is our motto. And it has worked great for us - because even though I still carry a great deal of the *mental load* of our household, at least I haven't had to do all the legwork too, and that has given me more freedom to pursue other interests and opportunities.
Now we are at the stage of life, though, where we are starting to launch children from the nest. 3 years from now they could all be off doing other things. And I am already starting to wonder how the housework will get done then....